An Unexpected Encouragement

       Today at work, somebody paid me a wonderful compliment. The funny thing is, they probably didn't even know that I took it as a compliment at all: I was having a casual conversation with my coworkers, and one of them had said something that I found funny. I was sitting there, trying to come up with a witty response, while staring off into space with a huge silly grin on my face. That was when their voice broke my train of thought--"Why are you always smiling?" To which I replied, "I'm not!" with a grin reaching ear to ear. My coworkers laughed, and the conversation continued, but that comment got me thinking. Am I really smiling all the time? Why? What makes my life now so different than it was half a decade ago?

      Of course, he was right--I have been smiling often. Every time I walk by people at work, I try to give them a subtle smile, even if I'm too shy to say hi. It's my attempt at being more friendly, and it helps me fight the urge to cast my eyes to the ground, which had long been my habit. I think maybe frequent smiling might have something to do with the change in location. Nebraska is a very friendly place, and the people are, more often than not, good natured, and are willing to lend you a helping hand with no strings attached. I can't tell you how many random strangers I have waved at while driving or biking or walking along the road, or how many kind things people have done for me since I first started attending school here. While I'm not writing this to try to gain support for the Huskers (Go Big Red!), I do think that there is something different about this place, and it has helped in my healing and growing as I transition from college student, to whatever-the-heck I'm going to do next. 

       Now, let me take a look backwards for a minute, if I may. I was a freshman in High School just entering the public school system. I had been home-schooled since kindergarten, and had grown accustomed to the freedom of doing my homework on my own time and schedule. I took great pleasure in having alone time to myself, and used it to accomplish school work, draw, mess around outside with my dogs, or play video games. I was close to my family and had close connections with a few very good friends, and for ten years, that was all I needed. However, I was also a softball player, and by the time I was around fourteen years old, the only way for me to participate in upper division softball was to join the High School team. 

       So there I was on one of the first few days of school. I had already gotten lost on the way to class and felt completely overwhelmed by the over-crowded hallways. Each period filled me with intense anxiety (don't get me started on my first day in the locker room), and by lunch time I had completely lost my appetite. Eventually I had to go in to get my first High School picture taken, and by the time I got there, I was tired, nervous, and shaky. The last thing I wanted to do was smile for a photograph. Nonetheless, I forced my lips into their default setting for "casual smile", and held it for what I thought must have been long enough, before releasing my now-exhausted facial muscles. Flash! The camera went off and caught me mid-smile. If you look in my freshman yearbook you can still see one of the most awkward and confused looking half-smiles in all the history of BBHS. 

       Needless to say, I eventually warmed up to the daily occurrence of High School. I had some of my best friends with me, who had already been in attendance of public school for a few years, and I also slowly gained some new friends. One boy in particular, a red-headed senior, comes to mind. One day he had seen me smile by some lucky coincidence, (it didn't happen very often while I was at school), and he decided that he liked my smile. So, whenever I would see him, perhaps while hanging out with a group of mutual friends, or on the bus for a choir trip, he would remind me to smile. Whether or not I felt like it at first, I would usually comply, and his reactions to my smiling always made me smile more. I was flattered to think that someone could like my smile, and I grew to appreciate his requests because it would brighten his day, as well as mine. 

       Anyway, sorry for the side trip, but the whole point I guess I'm making is that I am glad that I've found another reason to smile. I still suffer from social anxiety from time to time, and despite the fact that I have absolutely nothing figured out in terms of what I want to do with the rest of my life, where I want to go, or who I want to be, I have not been deterred from showing my friendly fangs to passersby. The job I'm working at currently isn't ideal--but I enjoy the company of the people I work with, and I make enough so that I don't have to worry about making ends meet at this point in time. One thing that I think God has really been teaching me, is being content with where I am. It's really important to me to find a job that I love, but I also think that you can learn to love the job that you're in. I don't want to stagnate, but I want to appreciate this stage of life and make the best of it.
       Having finally made it through college, I have much to be thankful for. My family and I somehow managed to afford the cost of a 4-year college, and I have made some wonderful friends along the way. Now I'm standing at the edge  of the rest of my life (to use a metaphor imagined by my friend Judy Krysl), and the terrifying precipice of the unknown future is likely wrought with failure, as well as opportunities. I have grown a lot as a person, not only since my first year of High School, but also since my first year of college. I am still fearful at times--I suppose it can't be helped--and sometimes I am struck by how different my life is now in comparison to how I thought it would be. But, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin, and I am learning to appreciate the life that has been given to me, and if that's not something worth smiling about, then I don't know what is.